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Saturday, February 11, 2006

 

Judith Miller Can't Remember Who leaked First

Originally posted on October 17, 2005:

Grand Jury testimony of Judith Miller leaked by Rove-ing reporter (fictional). Please keep my identity a secret. Double super Secret. I could call in and have my voice disguised or and my face blocked out. Please call me or send me an email if you plan to use this. Thanks.
Middle-aged, Middle-of-the-road, Mid-Westerner
MnMnM50@hotmail.com
Miller: Well Fitzgerald, You know Carl Rove, the White House Deputy Chief of Staff (of the United States) [COSTUS]. The New York Times gave me a job as Journalist for as long as I want. How much will COSTUS cost us?
Fitzgerald: Look Miller, if you're a journalist, you must know all the players.
Miller: I certainly do.
Fitzgerald: Well you know I've never met the guys. You are under oath so you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's involved in the leaking of a CIA officer’s name.
Miller: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give the players now-a-days very peculiar names.
Fitzgerald: You mean funny names?
Miller: Strange names, pet names...like Scooter...
Fitzgerald: And Deep Throat.
Miller: Deep Throat...
Fitzgerald: And his brother.
Miller: Brother?
Fitzgerald: Daffy.
Miller: Daffy Throat. Well, let's see, we have on the list, Can’t remember who leaked the name of a CIA officer first, I don’t remember who leaked it second, What leaked it third...
Fitzgerald: That's what I want to find out.
Miller: I say Can’t remember who leaked first, Don’t know lwho eaked second, What leaked third.
Fitzgerald: Are you a government employee?
Miller: No.
Fitzgerald: You got security clearance with the government?
Miller: Maybe.
Fitzgerald: And you don't know the fellows' names?
Miller: Well I should.
Fitzgerald: Well then Can’t remember who leaked first?
Miller: Yes.
Fitzgerald: I mean the fellow's name.
Miller: Can’t remember who.
Fitzgerald: The guy. Can’t remember who leaked first.
Miller: Can’t remember who.
Fitzgerald: The first leaker.
Miller: Can’t remember who.
Fitzgerald: The guy. Can’t remember who leaked first...
Miller: Can’t remember who leaked first!
Fitzgerald: I'm asking if YOU. Can’t remember who leaked first.
Miller: That's the man's name.
Fitzgerald: That's it? Can’t remember who?
Miller: Yes.
Fitzgerald: Well go ahead and tell me.
Miller: That's it.
Fitzgerald: That's it. Can’t remember who?
Miller: Yes.
PAUSE
Fitzgerald: Look, was there a first leaker?
Miller: Certainly.
Fitzgerald: Can’t remember who leaked first?
Miller: That's right.
Fitzgerald: When you talk about the first leak, Can’t remember who gets the credit?
Miller: Every bit of it.
Fitzgerald: All I'm trying to find out is the first leaker’s name. Can’t remember who leaked first?
Miller: Who.
Fitzgerald: The guy that gets...
Miller: That's it.
Fitzgerald: Can’t remember who gets the credit...
Miller: He does, every bit. Sometimes his wife acknowledges it.
Fitzgerald: Can’t remember whose wife?
Miller: Yes.
PAUSE
Miller: What's wrong with that?
Fitzgerald: Look, all I wanna know is when you refer to the first leaker, how do you say his name?
Miller: Can’t remember who..
Fitzgerald: The guy.
Miller: Can’t remember who.
Fitzgerald: How does he say...
Miller: Can’t remember how he says it.
Fitzgerald: Can’t remember who?
Miller: Yes.
PAUSE
Fitzgerald: I don’t know the guy's name who leaked first.
Miller: I don’t know who leaked second.
Fitzgerald: I'm not asking you who leaked second.
Miller: What!.
Fitzgerald: One source at a time! (Per our prior agreement)
Miller: Well, don't change the leakers around.
Fitzgerald: I'm not changing nobody!
Miller: Take it easy, buddy.
Fitzgerald: I'm only asking whether you really can’t remember who leaked first?
Miller: That's right.
Fitzgerald: Ok.
Miller: All right.
PAUSE
Fitzgerald: I don’t know the guy's name who leaked first?
Miller: I don’t know who leaked second.
Fitzgerald: I'm not asking if you can’t remember who leaked second.
Miller: Can’t remember who leaked first.
Fitzgerald: What?
Miller: He leaked third, we're not talking about him.
Fitzgerald: Can’t remember who leaked first, how do I get his name?
Miller: Why you mentioned his name.
Fitzgerald: If I mentioned the third leaker's name, Can’t remember who leaked third?
Miller: No. Can’t remember who leaked first.
Fitzgerald: I Don’t know who leaked first?
Miller: I don’t know who leaked second.
Fitzgerald: What?
Miller: He leaked third.
Fitzgerald: There I go, back to the third again!
PAUSE
Fitzgerald: Would you just stay on the third leak and don't go off it.
Miller: All right, what do you want to know?
Fitzgerald: Now Can’t remember who is responsible for the third leak?
Miller: Why do you insist on connecting can’t remember who with the third leak?
Fitzgerald: I don’t know who am I connecting to third.
Miller: No. I don’t know is connected to the second leak.
Fitzgerald: Can’t remember who is implicated in the second leak?
Miller: Can’t remember who is implicated in the first.
Fitzgerald: What?.
Miller & Fitzgerald Together: Third leak!
PAUSE
Fitzgerald: Look, you got a staff?
Miller: Sure.
Fitzgerald: The senior staffer's name?
Miller: Why.
Fitzgerald: I just thought I'd ask you.
Miller: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
Fitzgerald: Then tell me you Can’t remember who is the senior staffer.
Miller: Can’t remember who leaked first.
Fitzgerald: I'm not... stay out of the office! I want to know the guy's name. I don’t know who is the senior staffer?
Miller: No, I don’t know who leaked second.
Fitzgerald: I'm not asking if you Can’t remember who leaked second.
Miller: Can’t remember who leaked first!
Fitzgerald: What?.
Miller & Fitzgerald Together: Third leak!
PAUSE
Fitzgerald: The senior staffer's name?
Miller: Why.
Fitzgerald: Because!
Miller: Oh, he's the junior staffer.
PAUSE
Fitzgerald: Look, You gotta Whistle Blower on this team?
Miller: Sure.
Fitzgerald: The Whistle Blower’s name?
Miller: Tomorrow.
Fitzgerald: You don't want to tell me today?
Miller: I'm telling you now.
Fitzgerald: Then go ahead.
Miller: Tomorrow, when I testify again!
Fitzgerald: What time?
Miller: What time what?
Fitzgerald: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me Can’t remember who's blowing the whistle?
Miller: Now listen. Can’t remember who is not blowing the whistle.
Fitzgerald: I'll break your arm, you say Can’t remember who leaked first! Also, I don’t know who, the whistle blower's name?
Miller: I don’t know who leaked second.
Fitzgerald: What?.
Miller & Fitzgerald Together: Third leak!
PAUSE
Fitzgerald: Gotta an attorney?
Miller: Certainly.
Fitzgerald: The attorney's name?
Miller: Today.
Fitzgerald: Today, and tomorrow's the whistle blower.
Miller: Now you've got it.
Fitzgerald: All we got is a couple of days on the team.
PAUSE
Fitzgerald: You know I'm an attorney too.
Miller: So they tell me.
Fitzgerald: I get behind the desk to do some fancy investigating, Tomorrow's blowing the whistle on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter punts. When he punts, me, being a good attorney, I'm gonna connect the guy to the first leak. So I pick up the questioning with Can’t remember who?
Miller: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Fitzgerald: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
PAUSE
Miller: That's all you have to do.
Fitzgerald: Is to pick up the questioning with the first leaker.
Miller: Yes!
Fitzgerald: Now. Can’t remember who's got it?
Miller: Naturally.
PAUSE
Fitzgerald: Look, if I question the first leaker, somebody's gotta go next. Now Can’t remember who is it?
Miller: Naturally.
Fitzgerald: Can’t remember who?
Miller: Naturally.
Fitzgerald: Naturally?
Miller: Naturally.
Fitzgerald: So I pick up the questioning with Naturally.
Miller: No you don't, you question Can’t remember who.
Fitzgerald: Naturally.
Miller: That's different.
Fitzgerald: That's what I said.
Miller: You're not saying it...
Fitzgerald: I throw the questioning to Naturally.
Miller: You throw it to Can’t remember who.
Fitzgerald: Naturally.
Miller: That's it.
Fitzgerald: That's what I said!
Miller: You ask me.
Fitzgerald: I direct the questions to Can’t remember who?
Miller: Naturally.
Fitzgerald: Now you ask me.
Miller: I direct the questions to Can’t remember who?
Fitzgerald: Naturally.
Miller: That's it.
Fitzgerald: Same as you! Same as YOU! I direct the questions to Can’t remember who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy goes to second. Can’t remember who picks up the questions and throw them to I don’t know. He points his finger at What. What blames it on Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and pleads the fifth. Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!
Miller: What?
Fitzgerald: I said I don't give a darn!
Miller: Oh that's our intern.
Who's on First by Miller and Fitzgerald
And at the first game, Judith Miller will throw in the first pitch. Ambassador and Mrs. Wilson will sing the National Anthem. Matt Cooper will be selling beer in the bleachers. Novak will be scalping tickets outside the main gate and Rove will get 20% of the door.

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